Updated: Mar 4
I despondently watched a drop of water roll all the way down the window as I laid prostrate across my fully reclined seat in my car over a lake early in the morning. I had been at the lake in my car all night trying to stay warm as the tears streamlined down my face like the same streaming rain that was soaking my windshield. An unfavorable fire kindled and burned so deep within me, a pain that was almost hard to endure sunk deeper and deeper into the pit my soul, "it was an egregious rejection" My eyes glazed over as if to be amiss to all reality... I had lost everything! I lost all that I built up over the years, all that I aspired to be! My life as I knew it was destroyed, with what seemed to be no hope of restoration... Failure rung in my ears and disappointment seemed to become permanently branded on my forehead.
I died that day like so many other days before it... and began getting to a point where I questioned how much more I had to suffer and how much more did I have to die before I could really ever live. They say that struggle and rejection seems to be the marks of a prophet, more like the marks of someone going hard after Jesus and meeting with continual devastation is what we tend to feel like... "God where are you? why have you let this happen to me, when will you vindicate me? Why is going after you so hard on my soul? Why do I have to pay for wanting to do right, and who understands my plight? " This ultimately becomes our apparent and passionate dispute.
When in the car that morning, I remembered a prayer I prayed years before that moment. "God don't let me lose you, I don't trust myself to hold you, I don't trust myself to keep you... I foresee a falling away in my own human nature, don't let me be of those who fall away - Holy spirit, I surrender my past present and my future to you, I give you permission to overlook my comings and my goings - And if it comes down to it, do whatever it takes to keep me on your path. I give you permission to sabotage my own works lest they lead me astray... and to involuntarily redirect me in any time of falling away..." (paraphrase) Ironically I was taken aback at the recollection of my own words, as the lord said to me ever so sweetly... "And I have answered your prayer"
Often our failures are simply the pulling down of our many Babel Towers. How often do we fall behind God or get ahead of him even in pursuit of his call? How many times must we surrender to God, before we escape the pricks of our pursuit. I would say every day we must surrender to him and yield to brokenness rather than to be broken, and yield to humility rather than to be humbled - that he may take guard over our every foo